Happy, Happy, Happy Halloween

Halloween, that magical time of year when villainy is celebrated and death is merely a clever way of winning a costume contest.

Today's shows were excellent, children dressed up in all manner of excellent costumes. My personal favourite was one child dressed as Slenderman, complete with suit and white full-head mask which he did not take off throughout our show.

And in true Friday fashion, we took no part in any festivities. Instead we sat down, turned on Film4, and watched Hocus Pocus followed by Van Helsing. Accompanied by Auchentoshan Creme Liqueur, purchased directly from the distillery, and boy is it delicious.

Step Away from the Van

Today was one of those days which, had it been my first day, may have put me off children's theatre for ever.

Show one was fine. Arrived and allowed in early, nice relaxed set-up, and apart from my microphone continuing to not work and at one point my having to stop singing to prevent a mouthful of phlegm from flying into a child's face, it was a good performance.

And then we had the afternoon school. It was trouble from the word go. We pulled the van into the playground at precisely the moment the break bell rang. We were quickly mobbed by obnoxious, idiotic children who's inability to follow simple instructions made me ponder just how much trouble I would get into if I were to  throw them onto the roof.. probably a lot, so I resorted to asking them sternly to stay away from the van. Even when one of the little brats kicked the van I resisted my primal urge to grab and fling them a considerable distance. I felt something I don't often experience - anger. True anger is a rare emotion for me, and boy was I seething at these kids. Of course, I couldn't take it out on them, and I could hardly shout at the teachers, so I took the only path open to me; I channelled the anger into Hook and gave my best damned performance yet. My glare could have shriveled sunflowers, my laugh would have had the Thames frozen in fear, and my kicks practically took out the ceiling tiles.

All in all, a good result, since we had an unexpected visit from the company and weren't aware until after the show. Can't deny my legs hurt after that can-can though..

Roaring Fires and Cups of Tea

Today is one of those days that demonstrates all that is good about the glamorous life of an actor.

Both of today's shows were straightforward (well, aside from the second show being on a stage thinner than my little finger) and this evening has been delightful. I got the costumes in the wash (no hassle). Lit a fire (hot stuff). Got dinner in the oven (masterchef, right here). Costumes in the drier (boom). Dinner served (like a boss). Evening: success. Tea, anyone?

Washed Up

Eventually I'll manage a bed time of around 9pm again, insuring that I get plenty of sleep. But not tonight.

This week I'm on costume wash duty, a fairly easy post which comprises of washing the sweaty costumes in the evening and having them dried in time for tomorrow's performances. Well, in my signature style, I manage to make this simple task infinitely more difficult for myself. This morning I forgot one of my pairs of trousers, so Captain Hook's leg wear bore a striking resemblance to Mr. Darling's. This evening, the washer and drier were being used by another cottage resident so we had to wait until their seemingly endless wash had finished before we could use the machine. That, coupled with my need for clean undergarments, lead to a rather late night for yours truly. Ah well, at least I get a  small lie-in tomorrow.

On the Bonnie Banks

This week we're back in Scotland, and although the rehearsals were lovely we had long days and very little time to relax (apart from the gratuitous drinking time), plus for the past four weeks we had been staying in a slightly cramped B&B, all together this compiled into a ridiculous level of excitement as we pulled up to this week's accommodation - holiday cottages in the Scottish lowlands overlooking fields and a huge loch. Beautiful doesn't even cover it.

Exquisite. To add to the excellence of the situation, another team is inhabiting a neighbouring cottage - the team which just so happens to contain Grace's boyfriend, which was an emotional and happy coincidence. Apart from the rather typical British autumn rain, this looks to be a delightful week.

Timber!

The meaner they are, the harder they fall...

The opening lines of our finale song (Pitbull's 'Timber') have never been more appropriate. Today I fell in spectacular fashion whist meandering backstage.

It was a simple walk, one which I've done every show so far, I cross the back of the stage to reach my discarded clothes and re-dress (just accept the premise and move on). I usually end up shoving into Grace, dressed as Tick-Toc, on my way through the curtain so on this occasion I attempted to apologise. She still had her crocodile head on and was working the sound desk, an amusing sight which momentarily distracted my face. My legs were far more stubborn and continued on their path. However without my face to warn them of upcoming obstacles, they were essentially just stuck on 'forward'. I didn't see the step set in the narrow gap backstage at all. My legs managed to find it though, and, though I have very strong legs, found it to be a worthy opponent. After a split-second of combat, my legs conceded defeat and sent me, flailing, over the step with a sound not dissimilar to someone throwing a drum kit into a tornado.

Once the commosion had ceased I found myself lying on my back laughing silently. Fortunately both I and the step were completely unharmed, though we didn't half give everyone else a fright, especially Joe and Emily who were left on-stage guessing at what horrors may await them upon their exit.

Eventually I regained my clothes, but my dignity may never recover. Honestly I'm still chuckling to myself now as I fall asleep.

Timber...

The Pain Relocates

I love my body sometimes. Not in the way most commercials tell me to, I'm perfectly comfortable with my shape, size, etc. No, I love my body for the insane ways it manages to injure itself.

Today, before breakfast, I went to fill Uma Thermos with warm water (in preparation for tea) and as I bent over the sink, my right shoulder decided to take industrial action. Since my shoulder is not currently registered with a union, the action consisted of causing a ridiculous level of agony for no apparent reason. I was at the same time glad and disappointed that I was alone in the kitchen, because whilst nobody was there to witness my pained expression and difficulty of movement, it would be incredibly difficult to explain the circumstances of my 'injury' to the team without evidence.

Long story short, the pain has eased as the day progressed and we managed to find some co-codamol to help it along during tomorrow's shows. Never rains, but it pours, eh?

Oh the Pain

Today was our first (but likely not last) doctors visit. Grace and I hunted down a nearby walk-in centre to try and find cures for our persistent ailments. For dignity's sake I won't go into detail, but our respective diagnoses made us both feel like old crones.

Tomorrow we have a double in the morning and then a normal show in the afternoon. It is unlikely, but our hope is to find some sort of chemist or pharmacy during lunch to grab some high-strength painkillers, else we may have trouble surviving the next few weeks..

The next person to tell me that acting must be 'such a glamorous lifestyle' gets to experience exactly how I feel right now.

Sew Many Costumes...

Sewing is one of the many activities I deem should be left to machines. Along with car manufacturing and finding Sarah Conner. Alas, one of the less glamorous factors in an acting career is costume maintenance. Although in many standalone theatres there may be entire departments dedicated to washing, repairing and general costume upkeep, on the road it is one of our many jobs. Which means, when my base costume layer (Hook's underwear) developed a drastic tear reaching from the small of my back down to my left thigh, it was my job to stitch it back together.

The experience has not revived a long-lost love of sewing, nor has it encouraged me to mend my own clothes in the future; it has simply confirmed that my hands are far too big to be of any use other than for eating, lifting, and high-fiving. I may be more delicate with my future movements to avoid further seam-splitting.

Or I may man up and keep on threading the needle.

Testing, One Two

The above could have saved us a lot of bother today, but in school one (as in many schools) we don't have time for microphone checks. This is usually not anyone's fault; the teachers simply assume that because a set has mystically built itself in the hall that this is their cue to usher their horde of young people in to watch us tread the boards.

Of course, had we done a mic check, it would have been obvious that my little black mouthpiece wasn't transmitting my velvety voice to the big black speakers either side of the stage. It became apparent halfway though the show, and since it was a small hall and there was no way to fix it quickly, we just went with it.

As I blog more and more you may notice less and less mention of the show itself, simply because there are only so many things to say, or things to (touch wood) go wrong. Today is the first example of such, because today I looked in the mirror and to my brain's astonishment uttered the words, 'my shoulders look great.' Odd thing to say, even for me, but they really do. I didn't even know shoulders could look lean or toned. By the end of the tour I'll be more like Chris Pratt than William Shatner, and I'm looking forward to that.

Survival of the Fittest

"Get the one at the back, she's a scaredy cat."
"Dindorf, you bastard!"
"Sorry Grace, survival of the fittest and all that, have fun!"

This was just one brief outburst which occurred when half of Team Tomato (Grace and me) plus special guests Charlotte and Ben took on the York Maze Hallowscream, which is very aptly named. (The remainder of Team Tomato, having spent a delightful day of eating, drinking, and merriment with us in York, had booked themselves a nice relaxed date night. I can't say I blame them.)

The York Maze Hallowscream event is a long-running institution with a well-deserved reputation for terror. Which it delivers in droves. I love it. Being a gentle giant, I don't get scared easily (unless you count spiders, falling, or certain video games) so it's great fun to lead the procession of wimps around a horror maze. At points I genuinely jumped out of my skin and without exaggeration one particular encounter caused me to cling to Charlotte to the point of causing her pain. It's a good thing she loves me.

It's Friday Once Again

Shows: good.

Post-show food, drink, and company: exquisite, if somewhat decadent.

Verdict: sleep now.

Along Came a Spider

Today a number of amusing things happened. The most interesting didn't directly involve me.

Grace, who manages to play five different characters in the show, demonstrated that all animals can co-exist, and even perform together, in harmony. Well, sort of. Unbeknownst to me, Tick-Tic the Crocodile stepped onto stage with what was described as a 'massive' spider on his head. This was made even more amusing as, during the following scene, Emily and I were backstage hunting for said spider amongst the discarded costume. Our efforts were in vain, and caused us to miss a sound cue, which was even more amusing because Grace and Joe were on stage dramatically listening for said cue.

Live theatre, eh? Bugs and all.

Put Your Hands Together

Lots happened today. It was Gemma's last day with us, which was a bit sad. We had a rather hectic couple of get-ins, but nothing Team Tomato couldn't handle. My personal favourite moment of the day was during the finale of our second show. Our closing voiceover asked everyone to "put their hands together for the cast of this magical pantomime!" Two girls near the front took this very literally, pressing their hands together as if in prayer and looking very confused when everyone around them began to applaud vigorously. Absolutely adorable.

And to top it off, Stardust is on Film4. Perfect end to the day.

Everything was Going so Well

And then it slowly starts to break down.. oh don't get your hopes up, the team are doing fine and I'm nowhere near throwing in the towel. The same may not be said for some of our equipment though. Wheels askew here, brackets snapping there, hooks falling out of things (thankfully not my character's namesake), it's all crumbling before my very eyes!

Do we despair? My dear minions, we are ac-tors (the hyphen is for exaggerated pronunciation)! When the going gets tough we roll up our sleeves, grab a roll of gaffa tape, proclaim that "the show must go on!" to no-one in particular, and knuckle down for the ride.

And damned if it's not a jolly good ride!

The Fifth Man (is a Woman)

Today, the group became hugely unbalanced in favour of the fairer sex. Joe, needing to take his leave for a couple of days, is being temporarily replaced by Gemma, a woman. Not that I'm complaining. Of course I do miss our Joe already, but things aren't so bad here. I mean yes we did have to do a run of more or less the entire show this evening, we have to do a couple of runs of the sword fight before tomorrow's shows, and heaven only knows what the dances will look like, but that's the fun of it! For a couple of days we move out of comfortable, happy, straightforward show and into panic, hit the deck, adrenaline-junkie show!

This gets better and better.

Eat Fresh and Uma Thermos

Today, we had what could probably be described as a near perfect day. Starting with a pretty standard call time of 7am, we drove to Bradford once again. We had been down this particular road before, literally, so we left early to accommodate the M62's hideous morning traffic.

We got to the school - one of the oldest school buildings in Britain, and very nice - nice and early, had a nice easy get-in, and performed our first show to the younger years. And then, we went off for lunch. Well, we re-set to the beginning of the show, but we didn't have to pack down the set, didn't have to drive anywhere, just made sure there was nothing dangerous lying around and went to Subway. A perfect way to spend a Friday, and then we managed to pack up quickly and easily after show two and get on home.

Which is where Uma Thermos (my new one-litre flask) shines. It is so worth getting up 5 minutes earlier when the reward is a steaming mug of tea - or five - on the drive home.

As if that weren't enough, we're having dinner at Frankie & Benny's. Happy Friday, everyone!

The Rejection

As I push away my plate after my second helping of tuna pasta bake (an absolutely marvellous creation if I say so myself) and The Big Bang Theory credits roll, I reflect on the day we've had. It wasn't the easiest, but it was rather fun.

We showed up to our morning school in plenty of time, we were relaxed and ready for a nice day. However, t'was not to be. Alarm bells were raised when Joe did not return from his traditional introduction for 20 minutes. On his return, he briefly explained that due to a diary error on the school's part we were not expected until next week. As such, they didn't want us there. Now in some companies this may have meant a morning off for us, but M&M aren't that lazy. We were being paid, and by hook or by crook we would perform for it! Long story short, they found a school nearby who were happy to have us, albeit through two gates which required key fobs (which we had one of between four of us) and in an incredibly small hall.

I respect M&M for that. They could easily have swindled us on pay (like some people I've worked for, who shall remain nameless), but instead we were able to provide a joyous surprise to a group of children and teachers alike. That's what this job is all about, and that's why I'm increasingly proud to be a part of it.

Chilli con Quorne

Yesterday was our first on-the-road team meal, cooked by Joe and Emily. The vegetarian variation on chilli featured quorn, an array of vegetables and beans, and served with rice. I can honestly say it was bloody delicious. First time I'd eaten quorn as well, and overall a very good first impression.

I'm not going to quit meat any time soon, but I wouldn't be adverse to trying more meat substitute products. Just don't give me tofu.

Week Two: Currently Under Construction

Week the second is under way and with two days down I'd say we're all feeling pretty good. Nothing particular happened yesterday, plus I was quite tired so nothing appeared here. Well, to put it in perspective: the talking point of the day was my consumption of four large custard doughnuts. Exciting times!

Today was very much business as usual, smooth get-ins and -outs, some irritating traffic and tight school corridors, but overall nothing untoward. The team are still fabulous and friendly as ever, we function very much like a traditional family unit. The patriarchal father in Joe, our Tour Manager; the kind, loving mother in Emily (who also happens to be in a relationship with Joe, further strengthening the metaphor); and the children, Grace and I, looking to them for guidance in an unfamiliar world. How lovely.

For now.

Like any traditional family unit, we'll end up with dinner table arguments, curfews, and denials of TV privileges by the end of it; but for now I'm enjoying the peace and relaxation.

Now I must be off, it's past my bed time.

TGIF

Why do we even need a weekend break? I could do this seven days a week!

This is the little naïve voice in my head which I roll my eyes at, ignore, and promptly collapse into a tub of pasta bake.

To say I'm looking forward to the weekend is an understatement akin to Romeo kind of liking Juliet. The first week of schools is over, 12 shows have gone rather without issue, I'm going to York tomorrow, and I can not wake up before 7am for two whole mornings in a row!

Don't be offended if I don't update you until Sunday evening. I'll be too busy relaxing.

Day-ja Two

As you may have guessed by the incredibly imaginative and clever title, today was much like yesterday. In fact it was nearly an exact copy. If I didn't know better I would have expected Sunny and Cher to be playing on my alarm, and other such Bill Murry film references.

All in all, a good day. Our get-in and -out times have dramatically improved over the past week and we (yes, I'm presumptuous enough to speak for everyone) are feeling more confident by the day. And tomorrow is Friday. Huzzah!

The Daily Double!

Today we had our first experience of a 'double', aptly named in that the morning was spent doing two shows in one school before pelting it to a second school for our third show. All in all, a rather exhausting day, but it is nice to know we can get through it, as tomorrow we're doing exactly the same thing!

There are brief moments when I wonder whether I really want to be an actor my whole life. Then the audience boo's at the very sight of me and I think, what else would I ever want to do?